Editor at work

Last Sunday Dana Jennings, a New York Times editor, wrote a very good essay in that paper about his conversion to Judaism. In it he delivered this sentence:

“We are adrift in galaxies of mere information, distracted by the relentless drone of the e-hive, and I ached for the oxygen of understanding, which is always in short supply.”

Whew.

One superb metaphor — “drone of the e-hive” — stands out there. I’ve read no better image for the prattle of the Internet.

But three apparently unrelated metaphors in one sentence — galaxies, hives and oxygen — just stopped me dead while I parsed it, trying to figure out just what Jennings meant. And that last phrase landed with a clunk, as “which” phrases usually do.

But Jennings was on to something with that sentence, and maybe he just needed a little editorial boost to speed him on his mission.

First, getting rid of the useless phrase as well as the modifier dross (”mere” and “relentless”) sharpens the prose:

“We are adrift in galaxies of information, distracted by the drone of the e-hive, and I ached for the oxygen of understanding.”

But there are still three distinct and seemingly unconnected metaphors for us to link in our minds. One added word might help:

“We are adrift in galaxies of information, distracted by the drone of the e-hive, and I ached for the earthly oxygen of understanding.”

That “earthly,” in my opinion, knits the whole sentence together into one big interstellar metaphor.

Oh, it’s fun to help other people write their best sentences, just as it is to help them spend their money.