Adventures with IKEA Customer Service

The following was received this morning from a young man I know well. His name and particulars have been redacted so that IKEA does not send axe-waving berserkers in longships after him.

START AT THE BOTTOM. Full disclosure: Because the company in question does not include the customer’s original query in its replies, I strung this conversation together in one email message. -- [Redacted]

------------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

--------------------------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [Redacted]

Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 9:22 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: you cannot be serious

Dear IKEA,

Did you see Downton Abbey? All of Lady Grantham’s sinks had stoppers. Why can’t I have one that works properly? You win tonight, but I am going to take this up with the authorities in Sweden tomorrow. For shame, robot. For shame.

P.S.: Nice meatballs. 

-------------------------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

----------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [redacted]
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 8:08 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: my faucet stopper

Dear IKEA,

You remind me of an old girlfriend. Everything was really about something else. I am going to go watch Downton Abbey and afterward, I will come back to see if you have come to your senses. P.S, please send me a new stopper so that my enthusiasm for IKEA does not slip down the drain, so to speak. See below. 

-------------------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

--------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [redacted]
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 7:36 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: Please replace my faucet part

Dear IKEA,

I keep asking for a new stopper for my faucet and you keep prattling on your strategy for locating stores. I want a new stopper. Please send me one as soon as you can. 

---------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

----------------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [redacted]
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 7:13 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: My faucet stopper was defective

Dear IKEA,

I sent this note on Jan. 13 and received an email message back about how and why you choose locations for your stores. I do not care about that. Please read the entire email below and send me a new stopper or strainer kit ASAP.

------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

--------------------------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [redacted]
Sent: Sunday, January 13, 2013 4:26 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: Defective faucet part

Dear IKEA,

I recently purchased a RORSKAR bath faucet with strainer from IKEA’s Schaumburg, IL, location, which is about an hour’s drive from my home. I love the faucet, but the drain stopper (the circular device used to plug the drain) is defective. The little black rubber gasket on the pin is too small and does not create the right tension with the tube in the drain that it is inserted into. It simply falls all the way to the surface of the strainer. Thus, I cannot use this essential element of my stunning new bathroom full of IKEA cabinets and sinks that my friends all come over and admire.

I simply would like another stopper. The entire ORREVIK strainer kit containing the stopper, which can be sold separately, costs $5. I only need the stopper. I also do not want to drive an hour in each direction to get this tiny thing. I looked into ordering one online and not complaining, but the shipping charge is $10. Why should I pay $15 for something that is defective in the first place, I asked myself. So now I turn to you for help.

I would be grateful if IKEA would simply ship me a new stopper to replace the defective one, or a new ORREVIK strainer kit (Article Number: 102.270.22) whichever is easiest, at no charge.

My address is:

[Redacted]

Email: [redacted]

Phone: [redacted]

I love my new IKEA bathroom. Please help me make it perfect.

With Kindest Regards,

[Redacted]

IKEA Enthusiast Extraordinaire

CaptionCall

A few days ago a CaptionCall came to my house. Will it become another electronic life enhancer for me? Quite possibly.

Designed for deaf and hearing-impaired people who can speak clearly enough to be understood on the other end of the line, the CaptionCall works very simply. The first party speaks into the handset and reads the second party's reply on the unit's large screen. The second party's spoken words are converted into text by means of speech recognition software and the help of a live "communications assistant" at the CaptionCall company's local office.

The communications assistant, who is sworn to secrecy (or something like that), monitors the other party's responses, stepping in to correct mistranslations on the fly. Speech recognition software still can make mistakes, rendering "Hallelujah!" into "I alluded," for example. Human intervention is still needed when context doesn't make things clear.

Among the interesting features are Caller ID, message reviewing after the call ends, message saving into memory, and a contact list for speed-dialing. One feature that has great potential for me is the ability to convert either voicemail or answering-machine messages into text. All I need to do is hold the handset up to the base of our separate Panasonic digital phone with answerer, press a button, and in a few seconds I can read the message.

In the past, when the Lady Friend's plane was delayed, she'd phone her sister or one of our sons with a new ETA, and the sister or son would send me an email with same. (Yes, she could send a text message directly, but that's pretty clumsy on the cell phone she has.) Now all she has to do is call home and, if I don't answer the phone immediately, she can leave a message on the answerer, and I'll get to it by and by.

The usefulness of the CaptionCall, it seems to me, will be greatest in communicating with family and friends. I can prepare them ahead of time for the drawbacks of this technology.

There is an unavoidable delay between the time the second party speaks and the words are converted into text by the computer at the CaptionCall office. People tend to pause between the phrases they speak, and these pauses can be misunderstood by the first party. Has the second party finished speaking, or is he just taking a breath? As a result, both parties sometimes speak over each other, confusing matters.

With time, the first party might get better at interpreting the length of the pauses (indicated by "." and ". . ." in the text).

At present I wouldn't try to use the CaptionCall for important business calls unless the second party can be prepared ahead of time. If I wanted to order a pizza, for example, I could explain on the fly what's going on to the other party, but it'll be rare that strangers will have the time, the understanding, or the patience to make the call work.

For some reason my particular CaptionCall unit won't show Caller ID. The unit might be defective, or perhaps the phone line in my 102-year-old house is flakey. (The Panasonic digital phone does show Caller ID just fine, so it's hard to tell.) CaptionCall and I are still working on a solution.

For all its glitches, the technology is advancing rapidly, and there's a good chance that in a couple of years these drawbacks can be minimized acceptably. The CaptionCall has been on the market only since late 2011. (For more information, go to CaptionCall.com.)

By the way, the CaptionCall unit is free to deaf and hearing-impaired users, and so are the calls themselves. The Federal Communications Commission pays CaptionCall by the call. There's absolutely no financial obligation for the deaf or hearing-impaired user.

I just hope the miserly Tea Party Republicans don't find out about it.

JANUARY 10: The Caller ID problem has been fixed. The phone jack in my office is faulty. Moving the kit and caboodle to another room solved the problem.

Jump start

Get a jump on summer reading: Hang Fire, my upcoming fourth Steve Martinez mystery, is now available for advance orders on Amazon.com, Barnesandnoble.com, Bookdepository.com (Guernsey, UK) and ecampus.com.

Official pub date is April 19, and online booksellers will be shipping by May 10.

Wikifraud

When young people ask what I think of Wikipedia as a research resource, I usually say, "It's a good place to start, but never rely on it. Confirm the facts elsewhere."

Many if not most Wikipedia entries are legitimate, especially if citations of original sources come after the text. One can check those sources, which may lead to other sources, and so on. At some point during the research process, the facts turned up either will seem trustworthy or not.

But sometimes even this modest faith gets shaken when a massive hoax emerges.