Words

In the New York Times this morning I came across the word "anadromous." At first I thought it meant "trisexual," but as I read on learned that it describes a fish that lives in salt water but swims upstream in a freshwater river to spawn. That will stay with me all day.

Adventures with IKEA Customer Service

The following was received this morning from a young man I know well. His name and particulars have been redacted so that IKEA does not send axe-waving berserkers in longships after him.

START AT THE BOTTOM. Full disclosure: Because the company in question does not include the customer’s original query in its replies, I strung this conversation together in one email message. -- [Redacted]

------------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

--------------------------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [Redacted]

Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 9:22 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: you cannot be serious

Dear IKEA,

Did you see Downton Abbey? All of Lady Grantham’s sinks had stoppers. Why can’t I have one that works properly? You win tonight, but I am going to take this up with the authorities in Sweden tomorrow. For shame, robot. For shame.

P.S.: Nice meatballs. 

-------------------------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

----------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [redacted]
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 8:08 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: my faucet stopper

Dear IKEA,

You remind me of an old girlfriend. Everything was really about something else. I am going to go watch Downton Abbey and afterward, I will come back to see if you have come to your senses. P.S, please send me a new stopper so that my enthusiasm for IKEA does not slip down the drain, so to speak. See below. 

-------------------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

--------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [redacted]
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 7:36 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: Please replace my faucet part

Dear IKEA,

I keep asking for a new stopper for my faucet and you keep prattling on your strategy for locating stores. I want a new stopper. Please send me one as soon as you can. 

---------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

----------------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [redacted]
Sent: Monday, January 14, 2013 7:13 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: My faucet stopper was defective

Dear IKEA,

I sent this note on Jan. 13 and received an email message back about how and why you choose locations for your stores. I do not care about that. Please read the entire email below and send me a new stopper or strainer kit ASAP.

------------------------

Hello [Redacted],

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We are always happy to hear from our customers.

We are constantly in discussions with cities, developers and brokers about potential opportunities for an IKEA store. However, with only 38 stores in the U.S., our focus is on new location areas consistent with our U.S. and global expansion strategy. (Approximately 15-20 stores open worldwide each year and we must balance our emphasis on a variety of regions and countries around the world.) That being said, we do recognize the customer base that would exist for us in many areas, but currently have not committed to a timeframe for opening an IKEA store in your local community.

Of course, we appreciate demonstrations of support and the desire for us to enter the local community. We continue to evaluate areas that may be appropriate for locating an IKEA store based on our unique business model and the size of our stores. In the meantime, you are welcome to visit our current U.S. stores as well as to visit IKEA-USA.com.

We hope this information has been helpful and thank you again for contacting IKEA.

Best Regards,

IKEA Email

IKEA Customer Care Center

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged or confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. If you are not the named addressee, you are not authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part thereof. If you receive this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

--------------------------------------

From: [Redacted] Email: [redacted]
Sent: Sunday, January 13, 2013 4:26 PM
To: 'Customer_Care@ushelp.ikea.com'
Subject: Defective faucet part

Dear IKEA,

I recently purchased a RORSKAR bath faucet with strainer from IKEA’s Schaumburg, IL, location, which is about an hour’s drive from my home. I love the faucet, but the drain stopper (the circular device used to plug the drain) is defective. The little black rubber gasket on the pin is too small and does not create the right tension with the tube in the drain that it is inserted into. It simply falls all the way to the surface of the strainer. Thus, I cannot use this essential element of my stunning new bathroom full of IKEA cabinets and sinks that my friends all come over and admire.

I simply would like another stopper. The entire ORREVIK strainer kit containing the stopper, which can be sold separately, costs $5. I only need the stopper. I also do not want to drive an hour in each direction to get this tiny thing. I looked into ordering one online and not complaining, but the shipping charge is $10. Why should I pay $15 for something that is defective in the first place, I asked myself. So now I turn to you for help.

I would be grateful if IKEA would simply ship me a new stopper to replace the defective one, or a new ORREVIK strainer kit (Article Number: 102.270.22) whichever is easiest, at no charge.

My address is:

[Redacted]

Email: [redacted]

Phone: [redacted]

I love my new IKEA bathroom. Please help me make it perfect.

With Kindest Regards,

[Redacted]

IKEA Enthusiast Extraordinaire

NaVaFroWriMo

. . . stands for "National Vacation from Writing Month," which I'm observing instead of NaNoWriMo, a k a National Novel Writing Month.

Why?

Because our house is an unholy mess, and it is a devil of a lot of work to put it back together. We decided to renew several rooms, mostly decor, but also add some structural things. In order to do that we had to move stuff out of several rooms into other rooms, and in true incipient-hoarder fashion, there is too much stuff to move back to their original spots. Therefore we are having to pitch stuff. (It is easier to part with possessions if you think of it as "stuff.")

For the last couple of weeks our dining room has been the town dump for the Lady Friend's office. To reassemble all the remaining stuff in her newly repainted lair will be like putting together a Lego spaceship without an instruction sheet. And have you ever tried to wash metal Venetian blinds that haven't been cleaned for 30 years? Or shred 45 years' worth of useless documents?

That is why I have not been updating this blog, or taking new photographs for the other one. Have patience. I shall return, he said stuffily.

Take a knee, team

My uncharacteristic silence (maybe it's becoming characteristic) on this blog the last month can be laid at a couple of doors.

First, I've been busy getting Zephyr ready for e-book publication, of course. All the heavy lifting is done and I'm now writing the Epilogue for the new edition. This keeps me burning the midnight electrons. After all, this blog was conceived as a means to keep the fingers limber and the mind oiled while struggling to escape bouts of writer's block. If you don't see fresh posts every day, that means things are going well.

The second reason for my absence is acquisition of a new right knee Dec. 1. That went well and I am now in the first week of what promises to be a three-week stay in a rehab center. Probably I shouldn't blog while under the influence of large draughts of happy juice, but, looking over what I've written so far, it doesn't seem as if I've been at all indiscreet.

It wouldn't do to tell you that I hobbled down the hall with my walker and saw my broad-beamed rehab center neighbor bending over naked, would it? So I'll let that go unmentioned.

My car

This doesn't need a caption, does it now?

15 people who irritate me

1. People who say "vade mecum" instead of "reference book."

2. People who claim the Bible is the world's most authoritative vade mecum.

3. People who declare I'm anti-Christian for pointing out that the Bible isn't the authority they think it is.

4. People who think aggressive ignorance is a legitimate point of view. (Especially in matters of global warming.)

5. People who attack a speaker's supposed motives instead of challenging his facts.

6. People who say "he went" instead of "he said" and "he goes" instead of "he says."

7. People who say "I was like . . ." instead of "I thought . . ." or the rest of it.

8. People who say "Me and him went to the park."

9. People who say "Comin' with?" (Unless they're from Chicago. They can't help it.)

10. People who wait until the sales clerk rings up the total before digging deep into their purses for their cash or credit cards. Especially when I'm seventh or eighth in line.

11. People who say "Thank you" to the sales clerk after handing over their money. What?

12. People who take five minutes to tell me what they didn't like about my book before taking five seconds to tell me what they liked. (If they ever get around to it.)

13. Well-to-do people who declare that they'll wait and check my book out of the library instead of buying it. (Students and pensioners excepted.)

14. People who think all books should be free.

15. People who grab you by the lapel and tell you what irritates them.

No wonder I have few friends left. I'm fast turning into Andy Rooney.

(Feel free to contribute your own pet irritations in a comment.)

Random and unconnected thoughts

* If John Boehner, incoming Republican Speaker of the House, thinks he's going to stick a finger in Nancy Pelosi's eye by flying commercial, he had goddam well better go through Airport Peep-and-Grope like the rest of us. Every single time he flies.

* Why do so many know-nothings deny the human impact on global warming despite the huge, huge preponderance of scientific opinion on the other side? Are they thinking only of short-term profits rather than taking the long view? Or are they just aggressively anti-intellectual?

* John Buchan's 1915 novel The Thirty-Nine Steps, one of the prototypes of the spy thriller, is still remarkably readable -- and free for the downloading on one's Kindle. There's a little too much Scots dialect wha hae muckle glee, and the hero Richard Hannay is a chip off the old Empire, but the action is crisply modern.

* The year's best book is Isabel Wilkerson's The Warmth of Other Suns, about the great African-American migration north and west away from Jim Crow in the South between World War I and the 1970s. Bigoted whites who think civil rights are over won't read it, but they should. I thought I was enlightened, but Wilkerson astonished me.

* What am I reading on the Kindle now? A surprise best-seller, the new edition of The Autobiography of Mark Twain from the University of California Press. Before getting to the meat, one has to plow through chapters and chapters about the multiple abortive attempts Twain made to write his memoirs. This is only intermittently interesting to a non-academic like me, but it is a scholarly work. (The tree-book, the first of three volumes, is $35 list; $19.22 on Amazon.com, and the e-book is $9.99.)

* I am going to miss Christopher Hitchens, the world's most likable intellectual bomb-thrower.

* Roger Ebert writes the best blog anywhere, and it's not about the movies. He has a generous and expansive mind, and always displays a graceful humility.

* I crave the new Pentax K-5 camera but not its $1500 street price, which for me is about $300 too high.

* I have at long last become interested in local politics because of the city of Evanston's misguided and maladroit attempt to kill its local branch libraries. The rise of the Evanston Library Friends to save them from a shortsighted city manager and council has been an object lesson in the power of grassroots anger in this liberal community.

* I think I'll get out my G scale garden train set -- a loop of track, a locomotive and two passenger cars -- and lay it out on the basement floor to play with between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let people laugh at me -- what do I care?

* Even I am a better dancer than Bristol Palin, and I've got a bad knee and a bad back. Let's face it: the fix is in.

* Joy is a big yellow dog who just wants a little loving.

* Consternation is learning that a red squirrel has broken into your summer cabin on Lake Superior, 420 miles away.

* Despair is realizing that May 1 (when we can go back up to the summer cabin) is still five long months away.

YES! Vote for Palin in '12!

MICHAEL Palin, that is. Gotcha.

(With thanks to Mollie Dierbeck.)

Palin for President? Are you kidding?

Being a leftie, I am not generally an admirer of the punditry of George F. Will, my old Trinity College classmate, except when he is writing about the Cubs. Once in a while, however, he gets my political attention, as he does today writing in the Washington Post about Sarah Palin's presidential chances.

Key paragraphs:

". . . Sarah Palin, who with 17 months remaining in her single term as Alaska's governor quit the only serious office she has ever held, is obsessively discussed as a possible candidate in 2012. Why? She is not going to be president and will not be the Republican nominee unless the party wants to lose at least 44 states.

"Conservatives, who rightly respect markets as generally reliable gauges of consumer preferences, should notice that the political market is speaking clearly: The more attention Palin receives, the fewer Americans consider her presidential timber. The latest Post-ABC News poll shows that 71 percent of Americans -- including 52 percent of Republicans -- think she is not qualified to be president."

What George said.

In defense of Sarah Palin . . .

. . . for a change. Sort of.

Sure, it was hypocritical of her to criticize President Obama for employing a teleprompter while herself using a trot: writing talking points on the palm of her hand. Sure, using a teleprompter helps Obama make a lot more sense in his speeches than she does in the off-the-top-of-her-head remarks.

But I don't see anything wrong with anybody using palm post-its to remember important items, except maybe for students taking tests. Whatever helps one recall salient points is a good thing.

When I was on the old Chicago Daily News copy desk, I picked up the handy trick from Dan Sullivan, our ace copy desk chief. Often he'd write an important headline or story length order on the palm of his hand, and when he ran out of room he'd start on the low inside of his forearm and work his way upward.

Why? Because notes got lost too easily in the forest of paper on the copy desk. Palm notes never did, unless you forgot and washed your hands when you took a bathroom break.

Later, as a pilot I'd write traffic pattern altitude, runway and radio frequency numbers of unfamiliar airports on my palm rather than trusting to a note that might fall on the floor under the yoke where I couldn't get at it.

I'd never criticize Ms. Palin for keeping her facts close to hand. That is, if they are facts. Too often they're not, but that's another subject.

Increasing Your Word Power

Great new words I discovered while looking up other stuff on the Internet:

Seppo (n.) An American, in Australian argot. Backformation from imported Cockney rhyming slang (seppo=septic tank=Yank).

Angel turds (n.) Those annoying Styrofoam peanuts that fall out of packing boxes around Christmas when the air is dry and staticky and stick to your sleeves and the rug.

Palin's Potemkin book tour

I'm a book-tour veteran. Let me tell you, those things were grueling. Today Minneapolis, tomorrow Corte Madera, the next day San Diego. Even when I was traveling by train -- my preference over airlines -- the going was tough, full of wrinkles and weariness and road-food gas.

But when the going gets tough, Sarah Palin gets jetting.

She's on a big bus tour, her book publicists claim, to get closer to the small-town voters who are her base. She travels the way they do, says the meme; she knows how Joe and Julie Six-pack feel, because she's one of them.

Yeah? The veteran investigative journalist and author Joe McGinniss (The Selling of the President, 1969) now gives us The Selling of Sarah Palin 2009 in an article revealing that far from traveling by bus, she flies in a $4,000 an hour private Gulfstream from place to place.

Palin then boards her bus at the airport for the short trip to a triumphant arrival at the target bookstore or lecture venue -- completely pressed and fresh, unlike her weary publisher's publicist, who looks as if she'd been dragged coast-to-coast on Greyhound. Because she was.

Palin's fans are completely in the dark.

Ah, dear Sarah, you paragon of grassroots authenticity.

Garrison Keillor's stroke

Last week I groused about people who grab you by the lapel and, without asking, unload their health woes all over your shirt front. I still feel that way, but must modify the declaration: It depends on who's doing the unloading.

Garrison Keillor, that "nice 67 y.o. male" (as the E.R. doctor wrote) tells about his recent stroke and hospitalization here. Now that's the way to write about a life-changing event: a little wry exaggeration and a lot of self-abnegating humor, and ending with a bit of a political point. This cranky 69 y.o. male salutes him.

No, you can't see my scar

Several folks who frequent this blog have asked if I'm going to post details about my hospitalization and recovery.

Good Lord, no! Wasn't Glenn Beck's anal surgery enough for you?

Listening to other people whine at length about their health is as bad as being assaulted by vacation slide shows on other people's laptops, especially of places you've never been to and have no wish to visit. Maybe worse.

Or having to view photos of their grandchildren on their iPhones. I don't show them mine -- why should I have to look at theirs? I don't know them and besides they're always funny-looking but you can't say anything.

And so for some time there may be few new posts, until my interest in the world about me has recovered.

The depths of tastelessness

Being an unusually ill-informed fellow, even for a retired journo, I have only just now learned that the Chia Pet people have been marketing a "Chia Obama" bust for the last couple of months.

This has to be the tackiest case of commercial exploitation of the president yet conceived. There's nothing illegal about it, of course, but it does have racial overtones with its hardly veiled emphasis on kinky African-American hair. (Would the Chia hucksters have brought out a George Bush or Bill Clinton bust?)

You can be sure that anyone who buys this thing for his home has to be either a diehard wingnut or the kind of yahoo who would hang chintz in the windows of a Frank Lloyd Wright house.

Yuck.

In feeble protest I'm not providing a link to the Chia site.